Your cell phone rings
but you’re not listening
because you left it
in The Fox and Vixen
behind the cistern
in the last stall on the left
next to the condom machine
and now it’s 4 am
your wife sleeps soundly beside you,
in the corner of the room
your hangover squats
sorting a tray of instruments.
It all began with a few beers,
some Christmas Cheer
so how did it get
from there to here?
Slowly you remember or think you remember….
Did you really poke your boss in the chest
and tell him that you know better
that you know best?
Did you really down three shots of scotch
grab Mark from marketing by the shoulders
and proclaim “I love you bro”
over and over ‘till he begged you to stop
to let go?
And why, why, why
did you call that shy Dutch girl from accounting
“sad-eyed lady of the lowlands”
again, over and over?
You groan inwardly
you groan outwardly
and just when you think
it could not get worse
your hangover stands up
and crosses the room
carrying what appears to be
a small mallet
Zooooosh,
he enters your head
and proceeds to knock on the inside of your skull
with that same mallet
all the time chanting this manic mantra
deck the halls with human folly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Four hours later your wife is shaking you
Up you get, she chimes
It’s time to do some Christmas shopping!
Joe Fresh opens at 9!
Jim Feeney
Jim was born in Dublin and currently lives in Vancouver. He has published in Cyphers (Ireland), The sHop (Ireland), In-Flight Literary Magazine, Oddball Magazine, the Galway Review, Anti Heroin Chic, The Basil O’Flaherty, Rat’s Ass Review and others.
He also writes lyrics for The Mitchell Feeney Project (album “Crossing Lines” available on iTunes, Apple Music and cdbaby)
He blogs at https://stopdraggingthepanda.com.
This year I’ve particularly enjoyed Jim’s “Lads” project. As you can see, he’s on a mission to write poems about the things that don’t get written about in poems.
That was fantastic, thank you. Like the … human folly favla la!
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Pingback: The Ghost of Hangovers Past | Stopdraggingthepanda
Jim’s poetry always makes me smile! I chuckled at the opening lines of this blokey poem, with its special form of Christmas cheer. His ghost of Christmas present is a hangover that ‘squats sorting a tray of instruments’. I got some remnants of memories of those awful office Christmas parties that I was pushed into attending – I think I know the guy in the poem. I laughed out loud at ‘deck the halls with human folly’!
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Hahahahahaha: the perils of the Christmas party! My favourite stanza:
‘And why, why, why
did you call that shy Dutch girl from accounting
“sad-eyed lady of the lowlands”
again, over and over?’
This makes me glad I don’t drink anymore 😂
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Brilliant. Loved it. A new poet to follow. Thanks for the introduction.
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So funny to read–and I’m so glad I’ve never actually experienced anything like this myself.
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Jim takes the horrors of the office Christmas party and almost makes me miss them. Bless his quirky poetic soul.
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For centuries of the early Middle Ages the Christian church wasn’t sure about Christmas — the revelry was so, well, Feenyian. Take a bow.
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I’ve been to that party. Before phones–thank goodness. I can see the videos now…(k)
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This is utterly perfect in its depiction, and quite poignant as well.
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Brilliant as usual from our Jim! I’ve been to that party……several times……
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Reblogged this on The Cheesesellers Wife and commented:
Another fine poem from Jim Feeney posted as part of Sarah’s Advent Calendar. Enjoy……
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I really like the wry humour of this verse. It’s such a good read. That “I love you bro” proclamation made me laugh out loud!
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Jim, I so enjoyed this, and love poems about the things that dont get written about in poems. My friend Fireblossom, Shay Simmons is a master of the art. The first poem i read of hers had a porch-sitter throwing a dead chipmunk through the open window of a passing pickup. Showed me the scope of poetry can be as wide as we want to take it. You have captured the Christmas party to perfection. Had to grin at his penance next morning….shopping!
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Thank you all for your generous comments and a big thanks to Sarah for putting this calendar together!
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I should get the twitter comments on here, too. You spilt someone’s coffee. Thank you.
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Reblogged this on The Wombwell Rainbow.
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So much to enjoy here, Jim, a real treasure house: vixen and cistern, Dylan, the hangover as horror torturer, selecting from the tray…so good.
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Oh, and all the best for the festive season and 2021.
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