Windows
Come and stand beside me at the window,
the world is out there waiting for us,
the way we used to wait for first and second post,
news of lovers stepping out from their rooms.
Now we just wait for them to post
selfies from their bedrooms or their bathrooms –
Seconds from you now in postscripted time,
never farther from what we first needed:
Though now I’m not sure what it is you need,
your window on the world has shrunk so much,
your window on the world has shrunk so much,
Careful not to lose your sight
on the cutting points of pixel light.
on the cutting points of pixel light.
While your fingers dance their tango
Over that smooth, slick touchscreen
Over that smooth, slick touchscreen
I breathe in, arms outstretched, the stars
my orchestra, the garden my ballroom.
my orchestra, the garden my ballroom.
I am dancing in the moonlit air,
My skin alive with the scent of night
My skin alive with the scent of night
and you, and you, and you, and you!
How we move together in memory’s bright song.
Ok, on this. I like how this is shaping up, give me a few….
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“Seconds from you now in postscripted time
We’ve never been farther from what we first needed
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Though now I’m not sure what it is you need,
your window on the world has shrunk so much
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Great!
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“Careful not to lose your sight
on the cutting points of pixel light”
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While your fingers dance their tango
Over that smooth, slick touchscreen
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“I breathe in, arms outstretched, the stars
my orchestra, the garden my ballroom”
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Oh, lovely.
I am dancing in the moonlit air,
My skin alive with the scent of night
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Nice!!! OK, one couplet to finish up. Hmmm….
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The pressure’s on, Q! All on you!
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LOL!
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How’s this:
“And you, and you, and you, and you!
How we move together in memory’s bright song.”
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Oh, I like it. you’ve made it much more optimistic than I was veering. I’ll write it up later on – I’m stealing time from work at the moment – and post it properly. This soars.
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Great! I hope it isn’t *too* optimistic though. I wanted there to be a sense of longing in the “and you, and you, and you” bit.
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my next lines, and I’ve updated the posting. Sorry for the long delay – I could hardly keep my eyes open last night.
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No worries!
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I’ve made that little edit, I’ve made it into stanzas – because I wanted to! – and I’ve called it “Windows” because that seemed appropriate! I’ve posted it on Jilly’s page. I like it. I think there’s a wistful yearning in that final line – unshared ecstasy…lovely to work with you again!
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Fantastic. Yes, that was a lot of fun. We did a good job of staying in voice together. Hard to do!
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The stanzas are perfect! Way!
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That really does it!
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Also any edits you see fit. Can you fix that long, clunky line of my with “Never farther from what first we needed “, if that is any better?
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Reblogged this on qbit and commented:
Love and longing and technology by Sarah and me!
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This leaves an ache. So well done! And I really like the stanza break. Good choice.
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Thanks, Jilly. Yes, I think it works as a piece. Qbit took it in a direction I wasn’t expecting, which was really exciting.
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He’s famous for that. Lol!
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Great job, guys! 🙂 🙂
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